Ah, yes. The man-cave. That essential sanctuary for the beleaguered modern male. But what if you have a cramped one-bedroom and a crabby girlfriend? Then you, my friend, are in serious trouble.

But fear not. I got your back, guys. I take care of my peeps. You and I will carve your closet-sized bathroom into a handsome man-cave. A bathroom man-cave, or BMC for short. How’s that for channeling Martha Stewart?

A bathroom meets the basic man-cave requirements. It is cozy ( I was about to say small, but that offends some guys), lightly-trafficked, and under-utilized (a defect we’ll soon remedy). Function-wise, a bathroom can scale.

Let’s take this one step at a time, beginning with Ms. Crabbe. Gird yourself, man. Wage pitched battle for the right to man-cave. Take the fight to her. Do what Nature made males for, i,e, wheedle, fawn, beg, cajole, bribe. Get up on your hind legs.  Sign up for an acting class and feign a lost puppy.

You can hold out on sex, a strictly tactical move that is fraught with considerable risk. If you choose this method, aim for a few days, at best. A girl has needs, you know? Take care, lest that friend Eve turn into THAT friend Steve.

One successful trick is to lure her into a free lifetime pedicure service contract. Have her sit on a sofa, with you on the floor and her gorgeous gams draping your shoulder. Now you have full access to her lovely toenails and may sand, drill, scour, and paint your ass off. Though if you have a bald spot the size of a moon crater, might wear a hat.  Keep your ebbing virility off the Crabbe radar.

By hook or crook, you now have the green-light to man cave. There is only one ironclad rule attached to the BMC. No eating. What. So. Ever.  I don’t care what the dog thinks.

So what makes a good bathroom man cave?

• BOOKS. As a writer, I have concluded that Mafia biographies rank among the best BMC books. Reading in short snippets, you want to dive into the thick of the action. In a good Mafia bio, every other page should end with a rubout. Good stuff.

• FRIDGE. The prohibition against BMC eating doesn’t apply to imbibing. A dorm-sized fridge can both house the hooch and double as a table. I usually keep orange juice and a chilled bottle of Absolut vodka in mine, but feel free to be creative.

• CHAIR. Armrests, padding, and a good lean. Enough said.

• ENTERTAINMENT CENTER. I use my old HP DV 9000 laptop for my entertainment nerve center. Its 17-inch screen is plenty big enough, and with a portable 500 gig hard drive packed with downloaded movies, I’m good to go. For sports, stream, of course. If broadband is beyond your budget, roll up your sleeves and Google ‘coffee can antenna.’

• DÉCOR. The usual pennants, helmet, etc, but I am also a big fan of shag toilet lid covers and matching rugs. They provide warmth and absorb sound, making your BMC as cozy as possible. Come on, NFL. Where is my Seattle Seahawk-themed toilet lid cover?

• ATMOSPHERE. Shell out for some deer-urine potpourri. This is America, someone’s bound to have some for sale.

Got ideas for a man-cave? Let’s hear ‘em!